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"you can't choose what stays and what fades away"
Rust | dream about being a person;

I feel like I should go back writing a bit about myself on blogs or social shit, somewhere. Not for the sake of being read of course, more like to type down how I feel and how I deal with my life at the moment, and maybe - maybe - get to look inward what I’ve reached. Or just to know where do I stand now.

So, I feel like I should. Then somehow I stop in the moment I’m about to start. Words and thoughts are there, in the muddle of my brains, pushing to pour out, but there’s something blocking them all the time. Self-defence mechanism, laziness, lack of will, lack of time - I’ll never know.

The point is, things are happening so fast lately, that I cannot keep track of them. This year, 2016, is going so quickly I barely noticed it's already autumn right now. A lot of changes happened, inside and outside me. I've been unhappy and very happy. I felt things again. Things I thought I couldn't even feel anymore. And I am so grateful for that, even if those brief moments are gone and probably won't come back until an awful lot of time.

I've met people. I had them with me for meaningful moments, and as easily and unexpectedly as I've got them, I've lost them right after. Forever, or maybe until the next time. Faces, voices, eyes and emotions - familiar and unknown ones. Some of them I related to, some others I grew apart from. Each and every one of them made me ponder and, modesty aside, made me wiser also. It developed me on so many levels. Even the littlest thing seems special and precious, even the bitter and painful ones, so worthy of attention. So worthy to be felt...and yet, I cannot keep anything close for too long because time and places are slipping through my fingers like water. Or rain. It rained a lot this year. But I've got days full of sunshine as well. Colours and scents drenching my hair and my heart. It felt right. It felt like a fresh start.

This post doesn't make much sense. It's probably full of everything and nothing, random blabbering. Nevermind.

I don't know where I'm heading to. Honestly, I don't even know where am I going to live in one month or so. Which path will I follow, what's going to happen in the future. What is my plan. I know I'm not completely alone in this - and again I feel grateful and so so so lucky. Yet, I'm scared as hell sometimes. Most of the time. But I cannot let fear in. Not like I used to. I don't want to stop just because I feel scared. I do want to move forward. Going backwards, covering the same steps, wouldn't help anyone, expecially me.
It's a long journey, but it's all about it.
I need to feel it and live it, make the best out of it until I still can.
I can choose some things and people, but I most certainly cannot be sure to have them with me throught it all.
I can't choose what stays and what fades away. And I need to fully understand this. Embrace it. Come to terms with it and bear in mind some things are out of our will and control. That's both the bad and the good about it.


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